At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing....
Lately, I'd say since before Christmas, I've just been overly into being religious. Made a worship CD for my mom for Christmas and burned a copy for myself and have been listening to it, no pun intended, religiously since Christmas. I've always been religious, I grew up in my church, went to church with friends, did like 10 different youth groups up through high school, I used to be in the choir, I've sung many a duets with my cousin and now, I try to go to church as much as possible. In my house its pretty much an unspoken rule that when you get to be a certain again, usually 16ish, you're not going to be forced to go to church anymore, but I never even had to think twice about continuing to go. My brother and my one sister stopped going and have never come back. My other sister is being a good daughter and raising her kids in our church, and I'm being a good daughter by particpating as much as I can. My dad has never gone to church as long as I can remember. My mom goes every Sunday without fail.
My family has been in that church for some insane amount of time, like 80 years...like my mom's grandparents went there, and so on and so forth. I love going to church, I don't always pay attention because I'm ADD but I'm there; I love my "church family" most of which who have known me since I was born. Its just something I know will ALWAYS be there, no matter what, which is a lot more than I can say about a lot of other things in my life. Making profession of faith (which is like first communion, except, we don't do it until you're teenagers...so like a combination of first comm and confirmation) was one of happiest times of my life. I was 15 and life was so much different and less complicated then but I finally felt like I member of my church, a contributing member. My two cousins who are around my same age made it with me and we sang a special song, just the three of us. It was great, and I miss feeling like that. Feeling excited about God and church and such.
The big contradiction here is we're not a hugely religious family in the sense that we live by the "rules." We're mean, we're rude, we swear like truckers, my whole family drink like sailors, we all smoke like chimineys....not that all of that is technically sinning, at least not in my religion, but in retrospect, it could be considered a less than holy way to live.
Personally, I dont pray a lot or nearly as often as I should. I mean things have to be going extremely horrible for me to actually pray. My conduct on a daily basis is a less than stellar reflection on my religion and beliefs, but at the same time, I believe in God. I believe in everything I've been taught, for the most part, I believe in everything my church preaches about. I love God. I love worshiping Him and singing songs to glorify Him. Sometimes I feel as though I need to be ashamed of that because I have so many friends now who either aren't religious at all, or have different views or religions than I do. And to further that, I feel like I can't put lyrics to my favorite hymns or worship songs in my profile or away message. Its a stupid childish thing to feel, but I do, and I don't know why. Its not a part of myself I choose to show to people and that makes me feel really guilty. I'm not even catholic!
I honestly don't know exactly what point I'm trying to make, but I just needed to sort out my own feelings. A lot of that has to do with some crazy family shit that is going on right now; something that has literally pulled the rug out from underneath my entire family, and a lot it has to do with the fact that I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching lately. I mean literally, one of the first things I did when I decided I was going to LA for the summer was go onto my denomination's website and see if I could find a church to go to while I'm out there. Unfortunately, most of them are either asian or hispanic oriented, which isn't saying I wouldn't go because of that, but upon visisting the individual churches websites, it was clear that they didn't speak english, which means, I can't go. I did find what looks to be a good church, but its a little ways from LA, but I'm willing to make the trip.
Moral of the story? While I may appear to have no morals, I do. And I love God and I'm not ashamed to tell you! Heh that rhymed.
Anyways, I gotta go to bed. I have at 9 am. Eck. If I'm MIA for the next couple weeks its because I'm staying with an 18 year old developmentally challenged girl while her parents are on vacation, and I don't know what their computer situation is there...but they do have a jacuzzi bathtub, so you know where I'll be.
P.S. Just a favor...if you do pray, pray for my family because they really need it. Thank you.
- Music:I Can Only Imagine- Mercy Me