Thus has been my life since mid-January.
According to my homepage, it's been 19 weeks since I last updated. And looking back on my old entries, it seems that I haven't come as far as I thought I did. I'll give you a brief rundown of everything that's happen to me since---a brief time line, if you will.
Mid-Novemberish- I started dating Cyndy's (for those of you who need a refresher--my boss, my mentor, my real life Mariska) son, Manny. It started out innocently enough. We just went out for dinner and coffee and then things started to go really fast, really quickly. But he was such a great guy and I figured since he was raised by Cyndy, he wouldn't hurt me, so I was going to tuck all of my reservations away and just go with the flow. He bust out with the L word not even a few weeks after we started dating, which of course, scared me shitless. But again, I was just going to go with the flow. We spent pretty much every waking moment with each other and when we weren't together, we were on the phone.
December- He met my friends and passed the friends test. He met my parents and went to church with me, and passed that test as well. I was off from school for the entire month so I got accustomed to the oddness of being at Cyndy's house and sleeping with her son, and spent most of my time there. I fell in love with his sisters and his niece and nephew, all of who live at Cyndy's. He spent Christmas dinner at my house with my crazy family and passed that test as well (in other words, he didn't run screaming). The week between Christmas and New Years, I basically moved into his house. We spent a few nights at my other boss' (from Einsteins) house taking care of her dogs, and we had sex for the first time. It was the first time I had sex where I didn't want to kill myself afterwards because of feeling like a dirty whore. Good times. We had our own little Christmas that night and he gave me a diamond necklace, with three diamonds; one for the past, one for the present, and one for the future. Adorable, right? It was just so...thoughtful. On top of never having been in a normal, healthy relationship, I'd never had anyone treat me like a princess, like I walked on water. It was hard to accept and tried to tell him to stop, but he continued to tell me how worth it I was, etc. Eveventually I stopped chastizing him for telling me how great I was and how beautiful I was.
January- It was the first New Years since I was 16 that I was a)not with my friends and b)sober. But it was amazing. I spent the evening with his mom, sisters, etc. We played games and rang in the New Year together. I fell in love with Manny. And I fell in love with his family. I spent a lot of time at their house, just hanging out and having a good time. I got really close with his sister, Meghan, who is 28, and just great. Sometimes I would go over to their house just to hang out with her and her daughter Ryleigh, who's 3 and adorable.
And here's where things get into Murphy's Law:
Monday, January 21st- I got into a really bad car accident. I totalled my car, suffered some minor injuries and just completely shut-down. I was traumatized and had some major PTSD going on-- to the point where I didn't want to go anywhere NEAR a car, let alone drive one. But my mom literally pushed me into the drivers seat of her car a few days later and MADE me drive. To this day, I'm still not a fan of driving and I only drive when I have to be somewhere important, like work or school. Ironically, my sister's co-worker was selling her old beater for $800 so I am not the proud owner of a piece of shit '95 Buick Century. But it's a car nonetheless. And it also saved my life a week later. See next story.
Tuesday, January 29th- I was coming home from school by way of my boyfriend's house and I got held at gunpoint while waiting at a stoplight right by my house. He came up to my car, tried to get in (thank God for automatic locks--my other car didn't have them and I never locked them) and then started banging on the window with one hand whilst point a gun at me with the other. When my brain caught up with me, I floored it and hauled ass out of there. Enter MORE PTSD. I was terrified and I didn't want to leave the house. I had this irrational fear that the guy was going to come back and get me. I was able to give the police (Yes! The Detroit Police ACTUALLY came to my HOUSE and TOOK A REPORT!!) a fairly good description, although I didn't see his face. It turns out that he was able to successfully carjack someone a few mintues after he tried with me and got away with the person's car.
Monday, February 4th- My pastor died. I don't talk about it a lot because I don't want to be one of those people who talks about their religion all the time, but I was raised in church and pretty much go every Sunday. My pastor was 47 year old and left behind a wife and a 6 year old son, Braden. He woke up in the middle of the night and for lack of better terms, just dropped dead. It was horrible. While I wasn't "close" to him or anything, he was my pastor and I go to a very small, tight-knit church and it was so sudden. And all I could think about was his son and all of the things that his father wasn't going to be around for in his life. This was, what I thought, the last straw. I was mentally and emotionally FRIED. But wait, there's more.
Thursday, February 7th- Manny broke up with me. Out of the blue. Via text message. With no real, concrete reason why. Now given everything I just explain to you happened in the month before, things between he and I weren't great because I became a hermit crab and didn't leave the house unless I absolutely had to, but we were working on it, so I thought. I shutdown and I didn't talk to him; I didn't talk to anyone really, except for his mom, who has always been my "person" that I NEED to talk to when I'm in crisis. And he took that to heart. Nevermind that she and I were friends before he and I started dating, but whatever.
Since then, I haven't talked to him. I've made attempts via email to get him to talk to me, to tell me why, but I've gotten nothing (Just call him, you're probably saying. I deleted his number the second he broke up with me---and no I don't know it by heart). Manny breaking up with me was the last straw and I emailed Cyndy and regretfully took a leave of absence from my victim's advocate work because I couldn't handle my own emotions, let alone someone elses, and I would be selfish if I tried. I got praised by Cyndy for making the decision and for taking time to take care of myself, and after that, I have not spoken to her. That was coming up on two months ago. I feel ready to go back to work there but she won't take my calls, she doesn't answer my emails, and I'm absolutely miserable. I finally broke down and wrote her a long, heartful email and she still hasn't gotten back to me and it's killing me. I miss her so much. I miss my work so much. I have a strong feeling that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. And if that's the case, then I just need her to TELL me that, instead of me hanging in limbo.
Between November and the beginning of January, I thought I was finally settling into my life. I was happy. And then it all came crashing down. I have been incredibly miserable for the past few months. I am so lonely, so depressed and I don't feel like I'll ever be happy again. I cry ALL the time. Before, crying, for me, was reserved for sad moments or PMSing. Not anymore. I've cried more in the past few months than I think I've cried collectively in my life. Unless I have to go to work or school, I don't get out of bed. The ONLY good thing that has come out of all of this is I've gotten really close with my parents, my mom especially. She and I spend a lot of time together now, watching movies, shopping, going out to dinner. It's nice, but none of that erases the fact that I'm still downright miserable.
I bombed this past quarter at school. I actually did a hell of a lot better than I thought I would given everything that happened, but still only got a 2.7, which is kinda bittersweet. I actually finished out the quarter when I ddin't think I was going to be able to, but I didn't do it so well.
My health SUCKS again..still...always..forever; whatever. I'm always experiencing flu like symptoms and I'm always achy and in pain. The most recent "issue" is headaches. I get them every once in a while, but they're never anything that ever bothered me. Until recently. They are the most splitting, pounding things ever. And nothing makes them go away. I went to the doctor and it wasn't my regular doctor bc she's out on maternity leave, so this woman said she really didn't want to "do anything" for me because she's not my primary doctor. She said she thinks that I've been having muscle spasms all the way up my back and neck, which is causing the heaches. And since she "didn't want to do anything" she wrote me yet another script for Darvocet and Flexerill so I spend most of my time drugged the fuck up. And the beat goes on.
The only thing I remotely have to look forward to is my internship. A woman at my church is the head of the Emergency Dept. at the Children's Hospital of Michigan and she got me hooked up there to float around the ER social work office, the child protection office, the AIDS clinic, and the Child Life program. I feel really special too because apparently they don't take interns that are any less than Master's level. I guess it's not what you know, it's who you know.
Other than that, it's just getting up (when I absolutely have to) and putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. I feel like I belong to AA or NA except I'm not addicted to anything. Except misery, apparently.
Sorry to be such a whiny bore, but I needed to vent and lay everything out; plus I haven't talked to some of you in a long time and while I keep up with your journals, I don't always talk to you, so I figured I'd give you a little taste of what's been going on with me.