Murphy's Law- the facetious proposition that if something can go wrong, it will.
Thus has been my life since mid-January.
According to my homepage, it's been 19 weeks since I last updated. And looking back on my old entries, it seems that I haven't come as far as I thought I did. I'll give you a brief rundown of everything that's happen to me since---a brief time line, if you will.
Mid-Novemberish- I started dating Cyndy's (for those of you who need a refresher--my boss, my mentor, my real life Mariska) son, Manny. It started out innocently enough. We just went out for dinner and coffee and then things started to go really fast, really quickly. But he was such a great guy and I figured since he was raised by Cyndy, he wouldn't hurt me, so I was going to tuck all of my reservations away and just go with the flow. He bust out with the L word not even a few weeks after we started dating, which of course, scared me shitless. But again, I was just going to go with the flow. We spent pretty much every waking moment with each other and when we weren't together, we were on the phone.
December- He met my friends and passed the friends test. He met my parents and went to church with me, and passed that test as well. I was off from school for the entire month so I got accustomed to the oddness of being at Cyndy's house and sleeping with her son, and spent most of my time there. I fell in love with his sisters and his niece and nephew, all of who live at Cyndy's. He spent Christmas dinner at my house with my crazy family and passed that test as well (in other words, he didn't run screaming). The week between Christmas and New Years, I basically moved into his house. We spent a few nights at my other boss' (from Einsteins) house taking care of her dogs, and we had sex for the first time. It was the first time I had sex where I didn't want to kill myself afterwards because of feeling like a dirty whore. Good times. We had our own little Christmas that night and he gave me a diamond necklace, with three diamonds; one for the past, one for the present, and one for the future. Adorable, right? It was just so...thoughtful. On top of never having been in a normal, healthy relationship, I'd never had anyone treat me like a princess, like I walked on water. It was hard to accept and tried to tell him to stop, but he continued to tell me how worth it I was, etc. Eveventually I stopped chastizing him for telling me how great I was and how beautiful I was.
January- It was the first New Years since I was 16 that I was a)not with my friends and b)sober. But it was amazing. I spent the evening with his mom, sisters, etc. We played games and rang in the New Year together. I fell in love with Manny. And I fell in love with his family. I spent a lot of time at their house, just hanging out and having a good time. I got really close with his sister, Meghan, who is 28, and just great. Sometimes I would go over to their house just to hang out with her and her daughter Ryleigh, who's 3 and adorable.
And here's where things get into Murphy's Law:
Monday, January 21st- I got into a really bad car accident. I totalled my car, suffered some minor injuries and just completely shut-down. I was traumatized and had some major PTSD going on-- to the point where I didn't want to go anywhere NEAR a car, let alone drive one. But my mom literally pushed me into the drivers seat of her car a few days later and MADE me drive. To this day, I'm still not a fan of driving and I only drive when I have to be somewhere important, like work or school. Ironically, my sister's co-worker was selling her old beater for $800 so I am not the proud owner of a piece of shit '95 Buick Century. But it's a car nonetheless. And it also saved my life a week later. See next story.
Tuesday, January 29th- I was coming home from school by way of my boyfriend's house and I got held at gunpoint while waiting at a stoplight right by my house. He came up to my car, tried to get in (thank God for automatic locks--my other car didn't have them and I never locked them) and then started banging on the window with one hand whilst point a gun at me with the other. When my brain caught up with me, I floored it and hauled ass out of there. Enter MORE PTSD. I was terrified and I didn't want to leave the house. I had this irrational fear that the guy was going to come back and get me. I was able to give the police (Yes! The Detroit Police ACTUALLY came to my HOUSE and TOOK A REPORT!!) a fairly good description, although I didn't see his face. It turns out that he was able to successfully carjack someone a few mintues after he tried with me and got away with the person's car.
Monday, February 4th- My pastor died. I don't talk about it a lot because I don't want to be one of those people who talks about their religion all the time, but I was raised in church and pretty much go every Sunday. My pastor was 47 year old and left behind a wife and a 6 year old son, Braden. He woke up in the middle of the night and for lack of better terms, just dropped dead. It was horrible. While I wasn't "close" to him or anything, he was my pastor and I go to a very small, tight-knit church and it was so sudden. And all I could think about was his son and all of the things that his father wasn't going to be around for in his life. This was, what I thought, the last straw. I was mentally and emotionally FRIED. But wait, there's more.
Thursday, February 7th- Manny broke up with me. Out of the blue. Via text message. With no real, concrete reason why. Now given everything I just explain to you happened in the month before, things between he and I weren't great because I became a hermit crab and didn't leave the house unless I absolutely had to, but we were working on it, so I thought. I shutdown and I didn't talk to him; I didn't talk to anyone really, except for his mom, who has always been my "person" that I NEED to talk to when I'm in crisis. And he took that to heart. Nevermind that she and I were friends before he and I started dating, but whatever.
Since then, I haven't talked to him. I've made attempts via email to get him to talk to me, to tell me why, but I've gotten nothing (Just call him, you're probably saying. I deleted his number the second he broke up with me---and no I don't know it by heart). Manny breaking up with me was the last straw and I emailed Cyndy and regretfully took a leave of absence from my victim's advocate work because I couldn't handle my own emotions, let alone someone elses, and I would be selfish if I tried. I got praised by Cyndy for making the decision and for taking time to take care of myself, and after that, I have not spoken to her. That was coming up on two months ago. I feel ready to go back to work there but she won't take my calls, she doesn't answer my emails, and I'm absolutely miserable. I finally broke down and wrote her a long, heartful email and she still hasn't gotten back to me and it's killing me. I miss her so much. I miss my work so much. I have a strong feeling that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. And if that's the case, then I just need her to TELL me that, instead of me hanging in limbo.
Between November and the beginning of January, I thought I was finally settling into my life. I was happy. And then it all came crashing down. I have been incredibly miserable for the past few months. I am so lonely, so depressed and I don't feel like I'll ever be happy again. I cry ALL the time. Before, crying, for me, was reserved for sad moments or PMSing. Not anymore. I've cried more in the past few months than I think I've cried collectively in my life. Unless I have to go to work or school, I don't get out of bed. The ONLY good thing that has come out of all of this is I've gotten really close with my parents, my mom especially. She and I spend a lot of time together now, watching movies, shopping, going out to dinner. It's nice, but none of that erases the fact that I'm still downright miserable.
I bombed this past quarter at school. I actually did a hell of a lot better than I thought I would given everything that happened, but still only got a 2.7, which is kinda bittersweet. I actually finished out the quarter when I ddin't think I was going to be able to, but I didn't do it so well.
My health SUCKS again..still...always..forever; whatever. I'm always experiencing flu like symptoms and I'm always achy and in pain. The most recent "issue" is headaches. I get them every once in a while, but they're never anything that ever bothered me. Until recently. They are the most splitting, pounding things ever. And nothing makes them go away. I went to the doctor and it wasn't my regular doctor bc she's out on maternity leave, so this woman said she really didn't want to "do anything" for me because she's not my primary doctor. She said she thinks that I've been having muscle spasms all the way up my back and neck, which is causing the heaches. And since she "didn't want to do anything" she wrote me yet another script for Darvocet and Flexerill so I spend most of my time drugged the fuck up. And the beat goes on.
The only thing I remotely have to look forward to is my internship. A woman at my church is the head of the Emergency Dept. at the Children's Hospital of Michigan and she got me hooked up there to float around the ER social work office, the child protection office, the AIDS clinic, and the Child Life program. I feel really special too because apparently they don't take interns that are any less than Master's level. I guess it's not what you know, it's who you know.
Other than that, it's just getting up (when I absolutely have to) and putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. I feel like I belong to AA or NA except I'm not addicted to anything. Except misery, apparently.
Sorry to be such a whiny bore, but I needed to vent and lay everything out; plus I haven't talked to some of you in a long time and while I keep up with your journals, I don't always talk to you, so I figured I'd give you a little taste of what's been going on with me.
Allisa said (11:56:14 PM): i want to write mariska a poem
Allisa said (11:57:19 PM): dolphins are beautiful creatures
Allisa said (11:57:23 PM): so light and graceful
Allisa said (11:57:32 PM): swim, dolphin, swim
Heddie1998 (11:57:41 PM): id have a better chance gettin a response with THAT probably than the one i sent
Allisa said (11:57:41 PM): be one with the ocean
Allisa said (11:58:09 PM): squirt water through your blowhole
Allisa said (11:58:20 PM): let me kiss your nose
Allisa said (11:58:27 PM): i love you, dolphin
Allisa said (11:58:36 PM): fin.
Allisa said (11:58:39 PM): HAAAAH
Allisa said (11:58:40 PM): PUN
Allisa said (11:58:47 PM): BECAUSE DOLPHINS HAVE FINS
here! I'm making my rounds through my flist, apparently. Today, I will update Heather's journal with an AIM conversation we had. (It's only funny if you watch To Catch a Predator
Heather as Heddie1998, the 11-year-old
Allisa as IMA GUNNA LICK U, the 36-year-old creepo
IMA GUNNA LICK U: hi girl
IMA GUNNA LICK U: asl?
IMA GUNNA LICK U: 36/m/detroit here( Cut for PervynessCollapse )
And now for a poll...
Should Meredith stay dead?
At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing....
Lately, I'd say since before Christmas, I've just been overly into being religious. Made a worship CD for my mom for Christmas and burned a copy for myself and have been listening to it, no pun intended, religiously since Christmas. I've always been religious, I grew up in my church, went to church with friends, did like 10 different youth groups up through high school, I used to be in the choir, I've sung many a duets with my cousin and now, I try to go to church as much as possible. In my house its pretty much an unspoken rule that when you get to be a certain again, usually 16ish, you're not going to be forced to go to church anymore, but I never even had to think twice about continuing to go. My brother and my one sister stopped going and have never come back. My other sister is being a good daughter and raising her kids in our church, and I'm being a good daughter by particpating as much as I can. My dad has never gone to church as long as I can remember. My mom goes every Sunday without fail.
My family has been in that church for some insane amount of time, like 80 years...like my mom's grandparents went there, and so on and so forth. I love going to church, I don't always pay attention because I'm ADD but I'm there; I love my "church family" most of which who have known me since I was born. Its just something I know will ALWAYS be there, no matter what, which is a lot more than I can say about a lot of other things in my life. Making profession of faith (which is like first communion, except, we don't do it until you're teenagers...so like a combination of first comm and confirmation) was one of happiest times of my life. I was 15 and life was so much different and less complicated then but I finally felt like I member of my church, a contributing member. My two cousins who are around my same age made it with me and we sang a special song, just the three of us. It was great, and I miss feeling like that. Feeling excited about God and church and such.
The big contradiction here is we're not a hugely religious family in the sense that we live by the "rules." We're mean, we're rude, we swear like truckers, my whole family drink like sailors, we all smoke like chimineys....not that all of that is technically sinning, at least not in my religion, but in retrospect, it could be considered a less than holy way to live.
Personally, I dont pray a lot or nearly as often as I should. I mean things have to be going extremely horrible for me to actually pray. My conduct on a daily basis is a less than stellar reflection on my religion and beliefs, but at the same time, I believe in God. I believe in everything I've been taught, for the most part, I believe in everything my church preaches about. I love God. I love worshiping Him and singing songs to glorify Him. Sometimes I feel as though I need to be ashamed of that because I have so many friends now who either aren't religious at all, or have different views or religions than I do. And to further that, I feel like I can't put lyrics to my favorite hymns or worship songs in my profile or away message. Its a stupid childish thing to feel, but I do, and I don't know why. Its not a part of myself I choose to show to people and that makes me feel really guilty. I'm not even catholic!
I honestly don't know exactly what point I'm trying to make, but I just needed to sort out my own feelings. A lot of that has to do with some crazy family shit that is going on right now; something that has literally pulled the rug out from underneath my entire family, and a lot it has to do with the fact that I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching lately. I mean literally, one of the first things I did when I decided I was going to LA for the summer was go onto my denomination's website and see if I could find a church to go to while I'm out there. Unfortunately, most of them are either asian or hispanic oriented, which isn't saying I wouldn't go because of that, but upon visisting the individual churches websites, it was clear that they didn't speak english, which means, I can't go. I did find what looks to be a good church, but its a little ways from LA, but I'm willing to make the trip.
Moral of the story? While I may appear to have no morals, I do. And I love God and I'm not ashamed to tell you! Heh that rhymed.
Anyways, I gotta go to bed. I have at 9 am. Eck. If I'm MIA for the next couple weeks its because I'm staying with an 18 year old developmentally challenged girl while her parents are on vacation, and I don't know what their computer situation is there...but they do have a jacuzzi bathtub, so you know where I'll be.
P.S. Just a favor...if you do pray, pray for my family because they really need it. Thank you.
- Music:I Can Only Imagine- Mercy Me
Ask me to take pictures/videos of any aspect of my life that you're interested in/curious about -- it can be anything from my favorite shirt to my cell phone to my car. Leave your requests as a comment to this entry, I'll snap the pictures/vids and post them back here. It's like a glimpse into my world!
DO ITTTTTTT PS. I'm going to be at work tomorrow so that = babies and all the frustrating stuff that comes with them, so if theres any aspect of THAT you want me to take a pic/vid of, let me know!!!!!
Kourtney and I went on a bakery shopping spree and I ate 2 donuts and a piece of cheesecake in the span of a 1/2 hour. I also received seasons 1-3 of Friends in the mail for Xmas. And I've been in bed watching TV with Kourtney since I got home. All pretty great things. Yet, still this
day week is unsalvageable. Tell me how that is possible.
Does it ever get any easier? I think not. Life fucking blows.
I got an MP3 Player but its not an ipod and I hate refering to it as my "MP3 player" so we need to come up with a name for it!
This is what it looks like....
LET THE NAMING BEGIN!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, so I dont really know how this works, but I'm giving it a shot and doing a friends cizzzzuuuut. The reason being is that I'm leaving in 21 days and I'm trying my best to disassociate myself from livejournal, AIM, fanfiction, basically the internet in general as soon as possible, so the not having a computer thing wont be such a shock.
Please don't take anything personally, but I have so many people on my list and so many communities that I literally go through 15 pages a day on my friends list and as it is now, I dont have time to read all of it. Not to mention I havent been all that into livejournal these days anyways. I'm basically just keeping my close friends, and people who actually let me know that they read. If you're like me and you read, but don't comment, let me know and I'll keep you.